2nd Day in PeNang...

ERm...nt a good start for today...
erm..actually quite dissapointed..
i travel so far from cyber till here..
but dats wat i got...
haihz..
actually inside of me is crying...
but outside of me is jz happy...
acting like ntg happen...
haihz...
diz is da 1st time i feel like wana cry..
but i hav to tahan and cooldown..
wat if i cry ?
i think if i cry oso...
nobody will help oso...or "an wei" me oso...
haihz...so, its not worth crying infront of them..
haihz...
bt actually i cried few times today..but no one knws...
actually i already felt something is wrong on tuesday nite...
haihz...
den nvm, i try to come back penang...
den nw i can see everything clearly...
its da time for me to go away and juz forget everything which had happen..
forget the past and look forward..
all those sweet and great memories had jz fade away..
i dun wan such ending..
neither u all...
rite ?
i dunno wat had i done wrong ?
juz let me knw..and i willing to listen to it...
and i will accept it..
even u cant forgive me...
nvm..its ok..
haihz..
actually i was like so happy when i m on da way to penang...
haihz...
but...end up like diz...
diz is nt wat i had predicted...
and i dun wan diz to happen anyway..
haihz...see my face oso dun wan see..
talk oso dun wan talk...
haihz...its like i jz meet her for the 1st time...
and i m like a stranger there...
dat 1hour and 13minutes @ pizza hut...
i feel like being sit there for 1 year and 13 months...
i was like so so sad and looks like stranger...
haihz...
haihz...
haihz...
but wat oso..i oso hav to accept lo...
ntg much i can do...
da whole period...
i was like...
wanted to cry d...
so so xing ku...
my heart was like being stab by a knife and then being burn...
but how oso..i hav to act happy as if ntg happen...
haihz...
y lidat le ?
had i done anything wrong ?
plz tell me...
i m nw very suffering..
i m da 1 which dun like to show out my emotion or my feeling 1...
althou i m happy but actually inside of me is like...haihz..dunno wat suitable word can replace it...
haihz...
after dat lunch...
nw i dun dare to ask her out d...
coz i knw dat she is like trying to avoid me and as if i m invisible to her...
haihz..
summore i gonna sit for my midterm diz coming wednesday...
die lo...
nw damn tak ada mood to study oso...
y le...
i come back to penang jz wanted to be happy..
i jz wanna ask hergo out eat together...
eat tomyam...burger...and all penang food...
i tot...mayb thursday go eat tomyam..
den friday go for burger @ usm...
haihz...
takkan i cant bcome her friend...
haihz...
da purpose i come back is to eat those food...
haihz...
nw wat i oso dun wanna eat...
whenever i go those places...
i will think back all those old memories...
and sad sad sad..
haihz...
y le ?
i dunno y...
haihz..
after diz week...i m nt gonna come back to penang again..till
my trimester break...
coz..if like dat..no point for me come back to penang..
come back and jz to be sad...
she oso like dun wanna chai me d...
haihz...
den..nw i oso knw wat i nid to do d..
penang is nt my territory...
disted is nt my territory...
if i come back oso..mayb i shud jz diam diam and jz spend more time wif my family members...
since i gt nowhere to go besides go yamcha wif my old friends...
coz..last 2 weeks ago...
when i m in penang..
i din spend much time with my family..
i rarely stay at home..
coz..i most of the time oso go out wif her and yam cha wif friends...
haihz...
if she wanna avoid me..
den i shall dun wan to disturb her d...
the signal gv by her was so strong...
and i really knw wat to do...
really..today is da most sadest moment in my life...
i nvr had this feeling and situation b4...
its like a trauma to me...
haihz...
and nw i knw...why ppl do usually suicide...
i jz had diz feeling today...
as i was loafing at gurney plaza today..alone...
i was like...thinking of rather die than being alive..
and i totally lost focus...
i call the wrong person..
and i buy wrong stuff...
haihz...
ok..from nw on..i wont sms her or call her anymore unless she call me or sms me..or gt urgent issues..
coz i think she oso wont answer my call anyway and oso malas to reply my msg...
and she oso hope tat i wont sms or call her...or kacau her..
haihz...
wat i want is jz friendship..
ntg much...
or mayb u avoid me bcoz of my blog...
ok..i will appologize to u..
but liking or loving someone is nt wrong rite ?
those r the feelings i had in my heart...
but i din show it infront of anyone and tell anyone..
i juz secretly like/admire you...
haihz...
and oso...
and another reason i come back to penang diz week..
is bcoz i wanna giv her x'mas present..
coz i wont be coming back for x'mas...
i already brought everything...
its a watch...
but nw..mayb i shud jz keep it for myself...
since da situation is like..haihz...
dunno oso...haihz...
i din blame her..
i juz blame myself...
i m nw still thinking of wat i had done to her...
if diz is wat she decided to do..den i hav to jz accept it..
i cant do much...
no matter wat oso..i will still respect her decision...
i always respect her decision since da 1st day i met her..
dat was since 28th january 2008, Monday @ Disted...
wow..and today is 28th November 2008, Friday...
dat was exactly 10 months...
i m jz very sad lo..
haihz...
expect d unexpected...
for nw..i cant find anyone to voice out my problem...
my sadness..
so, i juz blog it here...at least i feeling better nw...i hav to accept the fate and truth...
haihz...
and again...b4 i gonna publish diz post...
i jz wanna say...
Sorry to her...
really sorry...
although i dunno wat i had done to her..
Sorry...Sorry..Sorry...i appreciate our friendship for the past 10 months...
haihz...
i dunno whether she knw my blog or nt..
but i hope diz post wont make the thing bcome lagi worst..
haihz...nw wat i m thinking in my mind is...
i jz wanna go back cyberjaya..
penang is nono to me...
haihz...
i dunno wat i can do rite nw...
juz wait and see..
haihz...sad sad..=(